IT has been a while since I posted here. Usually I am doing a Facebook post, and even there I sometimes babble, but usually keep those things that bother me out of the public eye. But, here I am about to spill what is going on inside of me, and all those things that worry the crap out of me at times.
Well, I made it to age 40. In fact, on my way to 41 in about three months. Honestly, I never thought I would make it this long. I sure as heck thought cancer would have taken me to heaven by now. No, I do not have a death wish, but you accept certain realities of your existence. I live my life to it's fullest every day, but always keep in mind that this life on Earth is temporary.
First scare of the year was two lumps in my lower abdomen/groin area. After some testing, and a couple nights of concern and prayer, all was normal, although some lung tissue showed a slight anomaly (docs will be watching on my next scan for any changes, but considered benign).
My new concern is my upcoming drivers license expiration on my 41st birthday. It is at this time I run out of "free passes" for renewing and must face the scrutiny of the medical review board. Based on what I know, passing the board will be next to impossible, and after 25 years, the privilege to drive will be gone. I still remember sitting in Dr. Meyer's office in Memphis, TN, July 5, 1988, when he revealed my vision had improved to 20/40 (corrected with coke bottle glasses of course but I didn't care). MY mom and I both cried at the news as this was a miracle. I was re-evaluated back in 1999, and passed the board. So, why so different now?
in 1994, I took a chance with my only eye, and put a lot of faith in God and my doctor in St. Pete (who just so happened to train under my Doctor from St. Jude) to perform an operation to perform a vitrectomy and lens implantation. The operation was a clinical success, but consequently brought a sad reality to the forefront: My coke-bottle glasses (proper name - aspheric-lenticular aphakic bifocal corrective lens) helped magnify my view of the world (at the cost of peripheral vision). With my new view of life, I was able to see so much more in my field of view, but my visual acuity took a major hit. 20/100 to be exact. Since then, I have had doctors all over the place evaluate me on solutions. So many options, but one thing gets in the way: no doctor wants to touch a one-eye patient when my useable vision is way better than being blind. Of course I agree, and many friends who read this will definitely vouch for this, but there is that part of me that feels I should be able to see better, and some of the issues with glare and double images doesn't help. So, deep down I am very frustrated. I want more, yet I also know I am so lucky. SO, I have this argument inside me that drives me crazy. At this point, I am trying to take the thankful approach and be happy with what I have.
So, what is next in my journey with this? Well, I plan on working with a local driver rehabilitation specialist who will evaluate me for driving with a bioptic lens, which I have previously purchased. I do not know how long the process will me, and what they may say about me and my actual ability to drive. By no means am I a perfect driver. I try and drive cautious, but I have had my moments. At my age, I definitely try and drive safer. I hardly ever push the pedal past the speed limit. Mainly because I do not want to ever be questioned about my ability to drive, but also because It feels safer. But, when I am on that road, and see all those others weaving in and out of traffic, honking their horns, tailgating, talking on phones, texting and just acting like total idiots and arrogant road-warriors, I just want to pull them over, tape up their eyes and let them drive, or let them lost that privilege all-together. They truly do not realize the freedom they have, and how their simple behavior is way more dangerous than ANY physical impairment. Brains really need to be checked for driver fitness when issuing drivers licenses.
So much more to talk about, but I will stop here. I will take what life throws me, but don't ever thing for a second it doesn't cause me moments of grief where I get angry and hateful before I have to take a step back, pray, and remember this is all temporary, and be thankful to God, my family and friends for the good life I have.